you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
it's not cheating when I paid for it
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
