On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
