I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
