there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
