the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
