You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I want to walk on stilts...naked
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
BRING THE BAGELS
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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