I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
