You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
