I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
