I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
