It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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