You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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