he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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