4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
