Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
