oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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