I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
