scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
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