So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
