Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
50% drunk capacity currently
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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