I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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