why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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