he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
