He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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