He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
