Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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