He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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