Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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