Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Randomize
