I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Will exercising make me less horny?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
