Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
