I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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