final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Randomize
