so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Randomize
