Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
