if i can run in heels then i can drive
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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