I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Randomize
