you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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