I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
