I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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