brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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