He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
