Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
