Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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