Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
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