I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Randomize
