do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
