The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
