afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
