Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
