Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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