Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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