between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
